My Grief Journey: One Year on From Loss
Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give but cannot. All of that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go. – Jamie Anderson
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Today is the 10th of October 2024 and on this day last year, my boyfriend took his last breath.
The year of firsts without him in this world is over. The mammoth up-and-down journey, which is the first year of grieving is over. I’m not sure I feel the significance of that though.
Is it wrong that I don’t feel the need to mark the occasion by looking back? By dwelling on everything he’s missed and will miss?
Grief is a funny thing. In the early days, there are no ‘good days’.
No days that the gaping hole in my chest didn’t hurt. No relief from pain that manifests as physical pain as well as emotional pain.
And then, slowly it dawns on you that the pain has eased, possibly even subsided for a few days. And that realisation hits you like a tonne of bricks and you grieve the grief.
And so the cycle begins.
Finding Meaning After Loss
In the first few months after he passed, I was on the hunt for the meaning behind Adam’s passing.
I went down a rabbit hole of books, psychics, and mediums. I researched soul plans and after-death communication as well as other things. I started this very blog as an outlet for all of this new information.
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I was looking for meaning and I found it. I found that Spirituality gave me all the answers, and the answers actually made sense.
I discovered that suicide is often planned into our lives here on earth.
Related Post – Soul Planning and Suicide!
Imagine that revelation…
Any suicides that were meant to be prevented were in fact prevented. If someone successfully takes their own life, this was all part of what their soul, and, members of their soul group came into this life to experience.
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Grief Journey: Dealing With the New You
There is life before grief and life after grief. Rarely do you come out of the other side the same person.
Grief changes you!
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And learning who the new you is, and your place in this world is a whole new roller coaster experience.
In fact, it was dealing with the new me that really set me back.
In the months after Adam’s passing, I found meaning in Spirituality. I started to integrate back into my old life and I felt quite positive.
But then reality hit, and hit HARD!
I find it difficult to explain to people why I couldn’t go back to my career in Finance. It wasn’t just that I didn’t want to do it anymore, it was that I couldn’t.
I literally couldn’t speak to people. I suffered a few panic attacks before I realised this wasn’t going to be as easy as I first thought.
Having been awakened spiritually, I knew in my heart that I didn’t belong in that career anymore and I left.
The new me realised that I didn’t care what other people thought of me as much as I used to. I had experienced the worst of all emotions, I felt like nothing anyone could say or do would hurt me even a fraction as much as the grief did.
And so I retreated from the world.
I left my career. Selling my house was necessary as I wasn’t working and I needed the money from the sale.
I sold most of my possessions and moved into a campervan in the Summer.
In order to understand who I was, I needed to strip back everything and start again.
I needed to rewire my mind, to look at all of my beliefs and values and decide if it was still ‘me’.
The Waves of Grief
Everyone said that grief hits you in waves and this is true.
I remember 6 months after Adam passed and I was doing ok more often than I wasn’t.
And all of a sudden it hit me in the middle of the supermarket. I struggled to keep it together and I had to abandon my shopping and leave.
What was that about?
This has happened a few times since then as well.
I cannot predict when it’s going to happen.
I cannot pinpoint what triggers it.
I cannot control it.
It rises up, almost like a panic attack. It’s raw emotion that feels as raw as the day he died.
In the grand scheme of things, a year is not a long time. I imagine these waves will reduce in intensity as even more time passes.
Embracing the New You
I like to look forward instead of looking back.
Grief has taken away my fear. I’m no longer afraid to live.
Fear was part of the old me. The old me needed direction, needed to plan and was massively influenced by others.
I’ve found a new side to myself which is caring without attachment.
I will help someone because I genuinely want to help them not for how it will benefit me, or what I will get in return.
This attitude actually makes me want to help others more. Especially people where my experiences and lessons learned can help improve their lives too.
I advocate for simple land authentic living.
I no longer make room for things that don’t serve my highest good and that often means confronting situations which is another thing the old me would avoid.
I’ve learned patience and I’ve learned that I am part of something much bigger.
A Tribute to Adam
And so, here we are. A Year on.
Everything has changed.
Nothing has changed.
You were far from perfect, nor was I (although neither of us would have admitted that)
But you’ve changed my life.
You were my world; but now I have the world in front of me and I’m free to grab it with both hands.
I’m excited about the signs I get from you and I love finding ways to still communicate with you.
I love the direction my life has taken because of you.
Related Post – After Death Communication: What is Possible?
What’s Next?
Today is 10th October 2024 and it marks the launch of my YouTube channel.
My dog and I are embracing van life full time and we are about to head off on the first of many travelling adventures.
It is scary to be ‘putting myself out there’ but I lost my fear a year ago today so bring on the adventures because I am fearless.
